His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
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Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes