my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
You Might Also Like
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer