I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*