when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Girl, same.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Good Morning.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.