A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Had to try this trend 😊
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows