God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
You Might Also Like
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver