A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
so, is there a mister shapen head
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you