So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.