If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left