I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
when u come home smelling like another dog
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
thinking about a very short hotdog
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”