There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?