Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
(2022)
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college