If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.