the last thing a carrot sees
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Herpes is trending, good job people
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive