From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
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I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I want what they have
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.