I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min