Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
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This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.