Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Not😆🤣
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*