Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
True
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.