me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.