Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*checks Timeline*…
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
January has been Januweary
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever