I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.