Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
You Might Also Like
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.