They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Not all heroes wear capes…
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.