“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
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I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.