Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
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I wish I could veto my bills.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.