Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
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whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.