what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I鈥檓 so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I just saved you $50. You鈥檙e welcome.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
馃幍If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds馃幍
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can鈥檛 stress this enough, the kids.
why doesn鈥檛 every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we鈥檙e driving around right now. who鈥檚 with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Not to brag, but it鈥檚 not even Halloween and I鈥檝e already started my Christmas weight-gaining.