“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Cat is stressing him out.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
#CatsOnTwitter
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.