Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]