*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
#FunnyLife Insects
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.