The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
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Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍