Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I self medicate, therefore you live.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.