THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Tastes like chicken.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.