I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
You Might Also Like
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.