“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist