I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
wow
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!