This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
screw you