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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.