FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.