*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are