I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down