[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
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I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?