Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
How funny!
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Not helping
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Ion see the issue
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked