Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.