*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
cat vs inanimate object
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
🚲+physics = winner
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF