Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Wait a second…
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes