do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Leaving the Barbers like
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Oh hi lol
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth