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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.