When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
You know…for fall…
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird